New! From Ronco Littlefield! It’s the “CRAP-O-MATIC”!

August 10, 2010   For Immediate Release

New! From Ronco Littlefield! It’s the “CRAP-O-MATIC”!

First introduced in Chattanooga, the Ronco Littlefield “Crap-o-Matic”  is sweeping the Tennessee River, Chattanooga, and all points downstream. The Ronco “Crap-o-Matic promises to waste money, do nothing, and spout sewage at irregular intervals.

From the same person who brought you the “Pay-for-Play Party Machine” at the Office of Education, Arts, and Cultural Affairs to the “Farmer’s Market Dream Scheme” (bio-hazards included), Ronco has once again set the standard for petrification in office.

Act now and receive the Ronco Littlefield “DEAD FISH and E.COLI Water Strainer and Live Culture Kit” (see Ronco’s Chief O’Stuff for exact payment and where to leave the cash). If you call within the next 12 hours you’re guaranteed delivery by a live City Council-member (tips expected, cash only) to your business or home. Act Now and get the tester you’ll need in Kimball, South Pittsburg, and all points downstream of Chattanooga, thanks to the Ronco Littlefield administration.

Don’t wait for the outbreak of dysentery, typhoid fever, and West Nile disease to be discovered by your neighbors on the Tennessee River—Come to Coolidge Park and discover your own feces samples at the new Littlefield “Brownfield-by-the-River”! (Just pay separate Haz-Mat charges.)

And this year promises even more from Ronco Littlefield! There’s the Mag-Lev Heavy-Doody Money Train where Ronco can cross state-lines taking Crap-o-Matics to Atlanta. The EAC department has already prepared the new train logo (crossed-palms holding wads of cash), while the City Council prepares a new slogan declaring “Chattanooga—And You Thought New Orleans Stank”.

Join us as we dedicate the Ronco Littlefield “Geyser of Glory” fountain at the failed Moccasin Bend pumping station this September 1st. They’ll be prizes for best protection suit and children get nets to go fishing for brown trout, sewage suckers, and toilet-paper tarpon. Winners receive six months to live, Pepto-Bismol, and 3 days-4 nights at the Littlefield Homeless Hotel between 10th and 11th Streets in a slightly used refrigerator box (no toilet paper provided).

Hurry! Don’t wait for the flies and disease to appear downstream. Order your “Crap-o-Matic” today and be the first to show your support for the throne-rooms on Lindsay Street, in beautiful downtown Chattanooga.

(Must pay separate processing and handling fees to whoever Ron sends to pick-up the cash. Offer valid to Ron’s cronies, stooges, Chattanooga City Attorney, Chattanooga City Council members, Veterans of the Tennessee Waltz Skirmish, Manny Rico’s School for Speech Nazis, anyone named Crutchfield, and Waterhouse Public Relations.)

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