Hamilton County School Board Group Photo—SOOOOO-EEEEEEE!

Hamilton County School Board Members Pose for a group photo after voting themselves a Retirement Benefit. Jancie Boydston cried ,"Wee, Wee, Wee", all the way home!

Fresh from the Porker’s Mouth—An Interview with a Big Pig.

SOOOO-EEEEEE!  This here’s a open season on them taxpayers.  Some of the cousins reckoned we’d not had enough time at the trough, what with them folks over the City Hall getting so much. So we’uns at the Hamilton County School Board and Rubber Stamp Club thought we get us one of them there welfare retirement benefits.  And by cracky, we done it.

We’uns in hog heaven jest a’ rooting around the manure pile, looking for tasty morsels off the Taxpayer Gravy Train.  It ain’t been the same since Uncle Jesse took off with Cousin Fred and went a high-tailing it to Nashville, taking his punch-board games with him.

But then, Dr. Jimbo came to us, why he was just a runt in them days, and we nursed him up mighty fine and ‘Praise the Lord’, how he packed the lard on thick. We’uns expecting though, that them taxpayer peoples will get wise to him sooner or later, and he have to skedaddle too. Meanwhile, Dr. Jimbo been powerfully good to us and we’uns been good to Dr. Jimbo.

Praise Jesus and Dr. Jimbo, now we’uns get to drive that Gravy Train too!

“All Aboard!,” shouted our cousin and chief engineer, Little Kenny Smith, still smarting from the whupping he got at the woodshed a few weeks ago. It was close one too; if only a few more dead men had voted, Lil’ Kenny would have been in the catbird’s seat, up where’s there’s real money to git with the Big Bosses.

But for now, Lil’ Kenny is a trying to figure out how to pay back that load of corn he got from them union city-slickers.  They don’t like giving away corn without something in the way of re-ward. But don’t you worry none about Lil’ Kenny. He’s soon going off to that great Local BR459, and talk about his glory days as School Board member where he served with his big hoof on the till. And how he managed to pull that off! Them kids getting dumber, the teachers getting the John Deere shaft, and we’s as happy as pigs in slop.

And Lordy, that there Miss Janice! Why she’s a all fired-up about them taxpayers not understanding her predicament. She’s gots to pay them lawyering bills she run up with Ol’ Master Sam Robinson, that there attorney fellow. Master Sam likes the high life, and he don’t cotton to thems that don’t pays.  Course, that Miss Janice she likes her lady paints, lipsticks, and soda waters and I reckon that’s the reason she’s a tore up about them taxpayers finding out about her voting herself a little taste to wet her beak.

Now, now, Miss Janice. Don’t you fret none. I sees where you and the rest of the cousins will be a getting that top dollar insurance for nearly nothing. On Lordy, Miss Janice. You sure do have a way with sleight-of-hand and pulling a fast one.

Now there’s a few more cousins at the trough, too.  There’s Mr. Ricks, but don’t be talking to him. He’s scared, mighty scared. He says folks been a calling him, threatening him by using bad, bad words like, “I’m a taxpayer.” And that frightens Mr. Rick. So talk real soft like, ’cause we’uns don’t want Mr. Rick to get the vapors.

Then there’s that Mr. Jeffrey Wilson. Now there’s a real traveling man. Mr. Jeff sure would like to be at the next meeting, but he’s got a vacation going on next week. I ain’t never seen a man make vacation plans so quick as that Mr. Jeff. He’s a regular jack rabbit when the revenuers come sniffing around. Have a good time Cousin Jeff! Send us one of them penny postcards when you get to your hideout!

There’s that pretty fellow, Cousin Chip. He’s kinda of quiet, but can sure put the evil-eye on you. He conjures up spirits that pull mischief and stick their paws in just about everything around, but the manure justs seems to roll of his hog-back. We don’t trust Cousin Chip, ’cause you ain’t never sure what he’s a thinking, (Cousin Janice said she’d seen him eat his own piglets) but this time his thinking was just where we wanted it to be—on getting us some seed money, and Lord we’ seed and struck the motherload.

And we’uns are might powerful pigs too. We’s got them school children in our greasy little hooves, and can make their mammys and pappys squeal when we say. Who says country pigs ain’t clever?

And you know the wonderful, All-American thing about it? The government sends us checks for all this eating, and grunting, and farting around we do in the trough.

Yes sir, it’s good to be a big pig in this town. Power to the Pigs!

Harry Statel


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